


Janus

by TeenageCriminalMastermind



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, Rey x Kylo Ren, Reylo - Freeform, SO ALL HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP CHAPTERS WILL BE REY x BEN, because Rey/Kylo is a lil creepy, but Rey x Ben is, this wasn't marketed as a healthy relationship ever, with TLJ it will be more of Rey x Ben than Rey x Kylo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2018-05-10 21:28:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5601733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeenageCriminalMastermind/pseuds/TeenageCriminalMastermind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because they're two sides to the same coin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mine

_I want to be honest_  
_I want to be bad  
I want to destroy you_

He wasn’t a **_creature_ ** in a mask.

At least that wasn’t what he wants that scavenger girl to think of him. Why he minded her impression of him was another troubling mystery on its own.

He paces the interrogation room, waiting for her to wake up so that the process can commence. _It doesn’t matter what this powerless little girl thinks of me._ Granted, she was strong but still nothing against him, for even with the Force in her, a girl untrained was a powerless fighter.

He wants her to know him, but without the added complications of being exposed. And at the same time, he wants the Resistance’s little bug crushed. _That wasn’t what Snoke wanted._ He wants her destroyed.

And to be fair to himself, Kylo Ren wants a bit of it too. However, whatever bit of Ben Solo lingered was vehemently against it.

**_“It happens when you’re being hunted by a creature in a mask.”_ **

_I want to be faithful  
_ _I want to be raw_

Ben wants her to see him as he was, naked and true. Why he wanted this girl to see him for himself was beyond Kylo Ren. Kylo would never allow that - it was tantamount sacrilege, to his doom. In that one moment of contemplation, Ben won.

He takes off the helmet and lets her drink in his visage, defying her expectation of the blood thirsty disfigured menace behind a mask. A youthful, boyish face greets her, and he can see the look of mild shock, surprise and disappointment.

 _I want what I ask for  
_ _I get what I want_

He asks her politely to hand over information - she refuses, and even though that defiance annoys him to the core, it lights a spark of curiosity in him. The girl exceeds expectations by her attitude and feisty demeanour.

“You know I can get what I want.”

He wants to break her, so that’s what he does.

It doesn’t affect her. And her blocking his attempts to probe her mind are just as surprising. _Interesting._

 _I think to be thoughtful  
_ _I know that I'm not_

He’s rash and impetuous, and he knows he hasn’t thought shit through when he sees her break through his barriers and expose his memories, throwing them around like a pinch of salt. He’s an idiot, that’s what he is.

 _You think I'm a fake  
_ _And I know you're a fraud_

He plays upon **_her_ ** weaknesses, exploiting her fool’s hope of seeing a family, her (in his eyes) irrational attachment to Han Solo, her loneliness and her closed, cut-off self. He doesn’t realise he’s seeing himself till he she gets to his greatest weaknesses.

They’re not so different, after all.

 _I'll fucking digest you  
_ _One kiss at a time_

Like the impetuous and reckless ass that he is, he takes the most unorthodox route to get to her, and if he’s true to himself, he enjoys that kiss **_way_ ** more than he lets on - he enjoys their connection, the electricity surging through his veins. He wants her by his side, wants to know every part of her better than she does herself.

 _You wish I was yours  
_ _And I hope that you're mine._

So when they meet again, this time in battle, he puts the offer on the table, hoping that some part of her would be swayed. But she needs no teacher in her eyes, especially not him - not that creature with a mask.

But what of the person behind it?

She doesn’t seem to deny him when they meet again on a deserted planet three months later, their selves a mass of tangled limbs and thoughts, the Force surging through them as if in one being alone. Kylo Ren may hold no claim over her, but Ben Solo has taken Rey for his own. And only his will she remain.

The fleeting, heated kiss given for a goodbye reminds him that she thinks the same too.


	2. Worth It

**I’m astonished to see the reception, to be fair - so here goes another chapter. Just as a note, each chapter will have excerpts from or revolve around a song (cause any song is a Reylo song if you try hard enough). This one is based on Halsey’s** **_I Walk The Line._ **

_ I keep a close watch on this heart of mine _

Kylo Ren is not a man of weakness - and self control is his greatest weapon. 

Many had failed to keep their emotions in check, and that was one thing he was pretty good at.  _ Something I have Luke Skywalker to thank for.  _ Admittedly, Jedi training was pretty handy a lot of times. However, his heart is as rebellious as a certain member of the Resistance, refusing to accede to his brain. So he decides to watch it closely, to keep it in line. 

_ I keep my eyes wide open all the time _ _   
_ _ I keep the ends out for the tie that binds _

Vigilance is Rey’s sole reason for survival. 

It is her alertness, quick-wittedness and her mantra of “eyes wide open always” that had pulled her out of some unsavoury and (in some cases) fatal scrapes. However, it doesn’t shield her from Kylo Ren. 

She’s still looking for her family, and often thinks of Maz Kanata’s words. She does have a family now - Poe and Finn and BB-8 and Chewbacca. She wonders if Kylo Ren is more than that.  _ Ben Solo certainly is. _

_ Because you're mine, I walk the line _

He walks a thin line right now.

Hux suspects his emotions, and tried to prise the cause for his frequent disappearances, which he quickly dismisses under the guise of recon missions. He cannot let anyone know that he’s trying to obliterate all her steps - he cannot let anyone catch wind of her.  _ And I cannot let anyone know why I do this. _

So when Hux asks why he is so hell-bent on personally supervising everything now, he blames the General’s ineptness and tells him that the desert rat is  _ his _ to finish. 

_ I find it very, very easy to be true _

Rey doesn’t find it easy to trust - however, she finds it easy to be loyal to the ones she does. A harsh upbringing like hers would do that to a person - you stick with the friends you have, the allies you do. You trust no one, and are loyal to the ones you do.

That’s why she’s so loyal to him.

She trusts him and the knowledge that he’ll always be back, with a battle or a long night in tow. She trusts the knowledge that he’ll always wipe her slate clean -  _ I haven’t died at Order hands yet.  _ She is loyal because she knows he’ll always be there to dull the loneliness and the pain, that his arms and lips and thoughts will find her, regardless of her location in the galaxy. She is safe in the knowledge that they will always have each other, in love or at war.

So she’s fiercely loyal to him.

_ I find myself alone when each day is through _

He’s always been alone at the end of the day, and when it gets to him, he isn’t. And no, the damn helmet doesn’t help matters.

He ends up on whatever planet she is, tracing her location by their connection and the Millennium Falcon’s presence. He’ll ditch his jet and walk through the landscape, searching for that staff, the blue lightsaber or those hazel eyes that he could spot in a sandstorm. When she’s upset, he’ll find her in five minutes; when she’s pissed, a day, and when she’s playful, more. And when she comes looking for him, it’s the same game over again. 

He thanks the Force for having her to ease his loneliness.

_ Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you _

They’re both fools when it comes to each other.

On good days, they talk and learn more about the other; on bad ones, they fight and turn their back on the other, swearing vengeance on the next encounter (which somehow  _ always _ ends in a kiss); on really bad ones, they ravage and destroy and break down in front of the other, laying themselves bare.

They both know how vulnerable their true selves are, and they know how stupid it is to let the enemy have that knowledge.  _ But we’re not enemies - we’re just two people working out a solution the hard way.  _ They both know how relieved they feel when the other envelopes them in a hug, pressing a slow and tender, or a rough and passionate kiss on the other, knowing that of all the things in the world, this strange relationship will be a constant.

They’re ready to be fools for it.

_ You've got a way to keep me on your side _ _   
_ _ You give me cause for love that I can't hide _

He has to admit she is good at negotiating.

No matter how much he tries, her pleas tug at the light within him and gain purchase on the dark. In those moments, he vows to never see her again - her fierceness and tenacity make him decide the other way.  _ There is no way in heaven or hell I will deny myself that.  _ Some might think of him as a sentimental fool, but Rey’s inner self is what truly calls at him, though her pretty face and petite body, and those hazel eyes and soft lips do play a significant part.

He doesn’t bother hiding his love and admiration for her.

She doesn’t understand how he does it.

She finds herself defending him in every argument with Poe or Finn, and they look at her, worried whether he has won her over. The battles reassure them of her allegiance to the light, but they have seen too many stolen kisses and hidden embraces to doubt her allegiance to him. She knows they know, and it makes her feel better, knowing she doesn’t have to hide his part in her life from her friends. 

And though she’d prefer the privacy, she loves the sparks that run through her when he kisses her when they’re watching, knowing that he is in too deep to care anymore.

_ For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide _

He knows that Snoke’s wrath would be a small pain compared to losing her presence.

He can bear the lightning and the sparks, and take all the lashing and punishment he can get, if it can spare her the agony of this. Hux smiles at the fall from grace, not even bothering to hide his glee - he tells Kylo how he knew the girl would be his downfall.  _ And I’m proud of it,  _ the Knight of Ren thinks before consciousness leaves him.

_ Because you're mine, I walk the line _

Rey knew what she was in for the moment she fell in love with that young dark knight.

So when she is dragged away by the General for her crime of corrupting the Supreme Leader’s favourite apprentice, she walks with her head held high and self assured, with the knowledge that if push comes to shove, they will both go down swinging, and if things go as planned, freedom and his companionship were hers forever.

The hysterical laughs and the fervent kisses, mingled with their tears and blood and sweat as they fly away to some unknown world make all that torture and the pain worth it.


	3. Promise

**Well, here goes another chapter (although I feel the previous chapter's beauty cannot be recreated). This one has lines borrowed from Florence + The Machine's Howl.**

**Hope you like it.**

_If you could only see the beast you've made of me  
_ _I held it in but now it seems you've set it running free_

Rey had never felt so powerless and yet so powerful.

His touch makes her body collapse like ice, melting under his touch, but her veins crackle with electricity, making her feel alive and so full of power. This is when she feels the allure of the Dark at its peak - the unrestrained power, the beast set free. And she will be free, if not for the evil it entails, that holds her back from giving in. She would be free from her emotional bounds, but would she ever be free from her moral ones?

She knows the answer is a no - so she walks away, leaving both of them frustrated and wanting more.

_Screaming in the dark, I howl when we're apart  
_ _Drag my teeth across your chest to taste your beating heart_

Kylo Ren had never gotten used to loneliness.

He feels the absence of his mother like a dull ache. His father, having been forever absent, makes little or no difference to him. A second without Rey, however, is a second in torture.

He is frustrated at her stubbornness, her refusal to join the Dark Side. To her, joining him and joining the Dark Side are two different things - _couldn't she see he and the darkness were one now?_

He hates to admit she has clearer sight.

The want, the yearning that courses through his body is a pain that refuses to leave, and a pain he somehow loves and hates bearing. On the moments they are together, the pain leaves, replaced by a heady feeling of euphoria and ecstasy, like a potent drug that ceases to work the moment she leaves.

And like the classic addict, he only wants more.

_My fingers claw your skin, try to tear my way in  
_ _You are the moon that breaks the night for which I have to howl_

She could never have enough.

Despite the scars and the injuries, the pain and the exertion she faces every time they fight, she keeps coming back, taunting and goading so that he has no choice but to retaliate.

The circle continues, and doesn't cease when the battle does.

It continues on their late-night trysts, their solitary discussions on a topographical feature common of the planet they've last fought on. She loves to talk to him, to know more, and even though he is unwilling, she manages to wrest details of his past life from the nooks and crannies he's shoved them into. It continues every time he touches her, every time their lips connect.

_The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound  
_ _I hunt for you with bloody feet across the hallow'd ground_

"We will meet again."

He remembers the first time he told her that - the hatred and want and curiosity imbued in the words. The next time he said that, he was dazed and perilously close to drunk, without having drunk anything - she could do that to him. The next time it was uttered, it was Rey, who promised to bring him back to where he belonged. They hadn't seen each other till he had decided to attack Naboo just for drawing her attention. It had worked, and he remembers telling her the same thing just cloaked in different words.

"I promise to never let anyone but me hunt you."

She had replied with a searing kiss and a parting whisper of "neither will I".

_Be careful of the curse that falls on young lovers  
_ _Starts so soft and sweet and turns them to hunters_

For them, Rey muses, it had never started soft and sweet, like everyone described it.

It was rough and hungry and passionate and destructive and beautiful in all its dark and dangerous glory. _And I would never want it any other way._

_The fabric of your flesh, pure as a wedding dress_

She is pure and untainted, and his darkness can only be balanced by her light.

He isn't ashamed to admit he needs her.

_Until I wrap myself inside your arms I cannot rest_

When Poe had seen his black towering frame wrap its arms around her small white one, he'd given her a look that would best mimic an angry Wookie.

"You're insane."

She doesn't care - the peace and the safety he brings with him, the feeling of insulation, of being in a world alone is more than anything the Resistance can offer. And as toxic as they are together, fighting and wanting and depending upon the other, it is the most alive, the most real they ever feel.

So she tells Poe that's what she is, and proud if it.

_The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound  
_ _I hunt for you with bloodied feet across the hallow'd ground_

So when he hears Hux heading a search party for 'that scavenger rat', the beast in him howls and he remembers his promise.


	4. Not About Angels

**This is a slightly different chapter when compared to my previous ones, yet, I hope you guys will like it.**

**Here goes Birdy's Not About Angels.**

* * *

 

_We know full well there's just time_

She sees him standing in a corner, saber lit. He's keeping an eye on the landscape, and with his parents not there, no one knows Kylo Ren is here, save for her and Finn, the latter glaring at the cream-cloaked man. Seeing him look back at Rey, Finn moves forward, but she holds him back.

"Well hello, my lady. Care for a walk?" he extends a hand, a small smile gracing his lips. She nods, placing her small one in his, and they walk off into the sand, their steps erased by the wind, which could've been just him, she thinks. She can feel Finn intently gaze in her direction, waiting for that moment when she returns battered and broken and he can say "I told you so", Poe heartily backing him.

"You chose your clothes well," she cheekily remarks, and he just smiles, pulling her forward. They reach an abandoned AT-AT that's not her home anymore.

"Well, the occasion demanded," he answers as they walk around the place, him drinking its history in. He looks back and forth between her and the tally marks on the wall, his face showing guilt. Not that he is responsible for it, she thinks as she joins him. His nod answers her mute question, and he takes a hand, pressing it to his cheek.

"How does my pain help you?"

"You've always wanted know me - I need to know you."

_So is it wrong to dance this line?_

She wonders how a man with so much love could mercilessly murder thousands and not let it weigh on his conscience - but then, Kylo Ren and Ben Solo are worlds apart, and she has the good fortune of seeing the latter. "I'm sorry," he whispers to no one in particular, a stray tear making its way down her fingers.

She doesn't know what to say.

A few moments pass before he smiles, pulling her closer. "Have you ever danced?" he asks, even though he already knows the answer. They move to a tune only they can hear, the Force giving her access to those precious memories of Leia and him at the piano - an instrument she's only heard of.

It's complex and beautiful, just like him.

_If your heart was full of love, Could you give it up?_

He claims to not have a heart. **_If only I really didn't._**

He curses himself for even thinking that every time he sees Rey smile up at him, the two illuminated by only the night sky. He's in a rusting AT-AT walker, wearing an old and battered grey robe, with only three hours before he returns to the monster the world knows him to be.

This is the most beautiful moment he's had the priviledge to live, and he can't give this up.

_How unfair, it's just our luck_   
_Found something real that's out of touch_

Like all good things, she knows how real and temporary this is.

These stolen moments are the happiest he's ever been. And like all stolen things, they must either be returned or destroyed.

He doesn't have the strength to do either.

_But if you'd searched the whole wide world_   
_Would you dare to let it go?_

She just can't let it go.

It would kill her to be the first to walk away from this, from him - besides, he's always been better at turning away. But today it seems like none of them can let it go, and she knows that if they do, they'll never find someone else like the other again. She can't be stupid enough to let go, and prays Ben isn't.

He pulls her closer, committing whatever he can to memory, before he returns to that dark and desolate world which he chose as his home. I feel like a master of bad choices. And he is, for even when he knows how dangerous it is for them should he overstay, he does, and they dance through the night.

Neither one dares to pull away.

_Don't give me up_

He's a desperate man.

Every day, he revels and recoils from the creature that is Kylo Ren, and prays that Rey rescues him from the poison he concocted from himself, a poison that will help him survive, but stop him from living. The light in him grows stronger with every moment spent with her and try as he may, Snoke will sense it and she will have to pay.

As much as he treasures her safety, he doesn't want her to give up on him.

_'Cause what about, what about angels?_   
_They will come, they will go, make us special_

She wishes angels were rewarded too.

Angels are the ones who get no recognition for their good deeds and are punished brutally for their bad ones. She has received none for any of her deeds, and he has suffered far too much, and wonders if what she can offer is enough.

His smile tells her this is more than he could ever ask for.

_It's not about, not about angels, angels_

When they part ways, Rey is reminded of the cruel world they live in, which has no place for the goodness of angels, and looking at the steadily retreating figure now clad in black, she understands why he sealed a deal with the Devil.

Because this world is not about angels.


	5. Perfect

**Well, this was the longest and the most difficult chapter I have ever written to date, primarily because of the intensity of emotions involved and because I wanted to get as close as I could to what they might really turn out like. I still ship Reylo with all my hear. But, a warning - it's nothing like the previous chapter, so be prepared for this piece centered around My Darkest Days'** _**Perfect.** _

* * *

 

_I was fine right before I met her  
_ _Never hurt and nothing could control me_

He was all he wanted to be before she came.

He punches the wall in rage, trying to purge her from his memories - the fierce determination, those shining eyes, the Light pouring from her like a waterfall, turning him to snow, melting him with her brilliance.

It's pathetic.

He remembers her affection towards the stormtrooper, and the rage intensifies, burning through him like a cursed fire, consuming anything and everything that dares to come in its way. He wants to crush that traitor, make him see the agony his body and soul reel under.

The outburst continues till his hands bleed, till flesh and blood part to make way for bone. He sees Hux pass his room and stare in consternation at the mangled hands - the general quails under the look he gives him and leaves, for he knows that in these moments, Kylo Ren is best left to his own devices. The hurt and hate coursing through his veins begins to fill his every cell like oxygen, invading every fibre of him till he feels and sees nothing but her.

He now knows what burning feels like.

_You know I tried but I can't regret her_

He doesn't regret it.

They stand facing the other, the blizzard raging thick and fast around them. They spar like wind and lightning, striking and blocking on instinct. She falls in the snow but gets back up in an instant, her fierceness intensifying the beauty she radiates, strengthening and weakening his resolve at the same instant.

He wants to destroy her, to ruin her like she's ruined him - he wants her to reflect the darkness, the pain, the hurt, agony and the hatred in him, but the Force is all about balance, and he needs to preserve that light to maintain it.

He has to, for his sake.

_She's the first, ask anyone who knows me_

She is the _**only**_ to get past all his defenses.

For years he has wondered whether he would ever find his equal, and now when he finds her, it surprises him to see how _equal_ they truly are. He sees his strength, his passion, the loneliness, friendlessness, lack of affection and a childhood reflected in her. He sees the bitter cynicism, hate and the coldness in her older days, and the helplessness, brokenness and hurt in her younger ones. He sees her reflect his darkness in equal measure.

He never expected himself to reflect her light.

_Terrified that she'd find my heart and break it_

He fears their every confrontation.

He is scared of her strength, both physical and mental, but her emotional strength _terrifies_ him. Her pain would've broken any lesser mortal, but she has grown stronger, feeding off the agony and building her will. The strength of her pain has made her who she is.

He is terrified what the strength of her love will make her.

_Paralyzed by the thought of her with someone else_

His nightmares reflect his truest feelings.

It starts off the way he would wish his wildest dream to be - him and Rey alone, in a beautiful land far away from the world and its distractions and worries. She holds his hand, eyes bright and soul brimming with happiness. Happiness that he has brought her.

Her sweet lips caress his face, and her words soothe his troubled soul. She tells him her every joy and sorrow, and he lays himself bare. She looks at him, with pride in his strength and tells him how much she loves him for who he is. The words make his heart soar, and she embraces him, passion and love and desire and every emotion that makes him feel alive coursing through them, the Force uniting them.

And then the nightmare begins.

The _traitor_ shows up, stealing his ray of hope and beauty from him and taking her away to a place he can never find her. He's lost and helpless and broken again, and the darkness threatens to drown him and suffocate him till whatever light she has shone on him is obliterated. He calls for her, desperate and dying, his last tie to himself snapping when she turns her back on him, the traitor leading her away from the darkness. The feeling chokes him, and he wakes up every night in cold sweat and silent tears, wishing he had killed that traitor, but he knows the pain it will bring her, and he cannot bear to see her suffer.

So he wishes he had died instead.

_I shouldn't have fallen in love with her  
It's been nothing but trouble till now_

Emotions are a weapon the Dark Side twists until they have nothing good remaining in them.

Which is why emotions like love are foreign and unknown to him. He has a bleak memory of it, visions which include a caring mother and a loving father, a doting uncle and the feeling that all things good bring. What the Dark Side presents is a twisted fantasy - visions of power and glory, of lust and desire, with tenderness having no place with them. It teaches him to seek and relish control, to twist himself into a being so base and carnal that if love ever makes an appearance, he is at a loss to understand what it stands for. He knows he hasn't been consumed by the darkness every time he sees her.

But every time he sees what and who she stands stands for and what he stands with, he wishes he had been.

_What gives you the right  
_ _To tear up my life?_

No one had the right to rule him.

Not even Snoke, to whom he claimed everlasting allegiance and eternal servitude. Kylo Ren may be someone's servant, but Ben Solo was a master of his own destiny, serving and obeying no one if he didn't want to. And here she was, ruling him without knowing it.

This feeling of unconscious servitude is liberating, he concludes.

He doesn't feel pressed to do anything for her - he would willingly do _**anything,**_ anything she asked for. But she never had, for what can a beast provide a beauty besides pain and suffering?

He knows he's beyond redemption, and he wants to tear her apart just to show her what broken and destroyed feels like.

_How dare she be so perfect  
_ _What did I do to deserve this?_

Fate, he concludes, is one's own doing.

It was his choices that led him to betray his uncle, to kill the young children with whom he had spent moments that Ben Solo considers the best in his life. It was his choice to snuff the life out of his father so cruelly and leave his mother a living corpse. It is his choice to irrevocably fall in love with the light and chase it away by the being he had become. It was his choice to attack what the light held dear, just so that he could consume her in his darkness.

So he doesn't blame her when she spits "Monster" at his face and gives him that scar which, even though it has externally faded, remains on his soul, a mark of what he's truly become.

He realises that he's done all he can to deserve the hell he's condemned to.

_I tell myself that she's tryin' to test me  
_ _She'd never leave, she still needs me to hold her_

He considers this one massive test.

He has always thought that he is what she needs. They are one and the same, albeit on two different sides, _which can be easily fixed._ He can give her all the comfort, luxury, safety and love she needs. He can fill her empty hours with laughter and joy and love, he can challenge her as much as she wants and fulfil any desires she expresses. So he confronts and challenges her, waiting for her to realise that he has passed her test and that she need not put her lover through the fire anymore.

It takes him a jab to the stomach with a lightsaber and a duel with the stormtrooper to realise she never needed him at all.

_Horrified 'cause she found my heart and broke it_

He dies inside when she says that.

As they stand in the storm, the wind whirling around them like an angry swirl of their own emotions, she looks at him, tears staining her face. "I love you, Rey," he entreats, using the Force to show her how deep it runs. Her face slackens for a moment, shock washing over, and then looks down, tears of shame and guilt welling in her eyes. She seems incapable of confessing to the hopeful boy within him, to tell him that she has seen too much of the monster to truly come to care for him, but she does, for he needs to know.

"I can't."

_Mortified when I picture her with someone else_

The sight before him finishes him for good.

She walks hand in hand with the traitor, looking happier than she has ever been, _and happier than I can ever make her._ They pause to kiss, and she utters those words he had told her with all his heart. He waits for the pain, the hurt and agony and torture to kick in, but all that comes out is a deranged laugh, one that would send the Light and the Ben in him scurrying for cover, hiding itself from the monster it sees.

But there is no Light or Ben in him anymore to care.

_You started the fire  
_ _And made me like that_

When they meet again, she is livid and out for blood.

She stares at his unmasked face, his emotions all for her to see. She focuses on physically hurting him as much as she can, but there is only so much she can do to a body if it has no one to care for it. The traitor steps forward to save her, but he cares nothing for a man who stole what truly belonged to him. So he kills him and watches Rey collapse to the ground, her tiny figure wracking itself with sobs for a man she loves. He wipes the blood off his hands, smiling at her in a manner that makes her blood run cold and fear grip her entire being.

"Now you're really a monster," she whispers, and he inches closer, delighted to see the same emotions course through as they had through him. She stares at him with disbelief, hurt, fear, anger and pain, the shock and grief too debilitating for her to fight back as he takes her face in his hands.

"Oh, but you made me this, my love."

_Who gives you the right  
_ _To tear up my life?_

They are in the thick of it when it happens.

Once the grief wears off, she is back on her feet, fighting back with uncontrolled rage, and he has to exercise his powers to their zenith to keep her from overpowering him. She hits him with every blow and profanity she has to offer, but it falls on him like the snow falling around them - thick, fast but doing no damage. She is slowly losing her strength and her courage, and he feels no need to fight her anymore if not for the death blow she tries to deliver, blocked by his crossguard in the nick of time. He pulls the weapon back and sees her hit the ground, rushing to take her in his arms. "Ben," he hears her voice call. The feeling of euphoria only lasts till her blood bathes him, horror and grief and deja vu consuming him before he even comprehends what really happened.

Only this time, he wasn't trying to rip himself apart.

_What did I do to deserve this?_

He can't go on.

Her pale and lifeless body are proof that whatever reason he has left to live is gone, and try as he may, neither Light nor Dark can replace the sense of purpose and that will to live that she had given him. With all he has destroyed by his own self, he decides to live his final moments through in peace and passion, uniting the two sides he was always torn between.

He lays her down in the snow and shuts her eyes, and all he sees gives him the impression that she is asleep. if not for the crushing reality bearing down on him. He thinks of how a body needs a soul to continue, and how his body has no use anymore.

So he lies down beside her and shuts his eyes, impaling himself with his own creation, bringing the course of his life full circle by destroying himself by himself.

It's the perfect ending for a perfect tragedy.


	6. Together

**This chapter is based around one of the Reylo shippers and one of my favourite songs, X Ambassadors'** _**Love Songs Drug Songs.** _

**Hope you like it.**

_Alright, stay over_

She's lost count of how many times this has passed between them.

Sometimes it's her, when he begs for a few more stolen hours with that cursed kicked puppy look _which, let's face it, is harder to resist than mind manipulation._ The smile that lights his face and the kisses and nuzzles that follow make up for the trouble she gets in with Finn and Poe every time. "I don't know why we haven't told the general yet," they threaten her everytime, and she knows they won't, because General Organa will more than just support whatever they are.

Sometimes it's him, when she pleads with him, curling into a ball and pushing herself into his chest, and he just can only pull her closer and grumble that she can when she looks at him with wide, beseeching eyes. He knows his absence from the base is duly noted, but he makes sure that an excuse is always ready, her being nowhere on the list.

And as annoying and inconvenient it is, they never regret stealing those extra hours of peace and completeness.

_Hey now, don't try to mess with me_

This too, is another common exchange that frequently passes between them, although mute and always in their heads.

Sometimes the battles seem too real, and he wonders what could've possibly changed, what new revelation of his dirty deeds makes her so bitter and hungry for his blood. He needs her sincere smile to remind him that she's just messing around and no, nothing has changed.

On fiercer days, Rey has to ask herself if Snoke isn't slowly poisoning the man she has come to love, feeding him words and thoughts that aren't and shouldn't be his. It's that sarcastic jackass smirk and the warm smile that follows it is when she remembers that he's Han Solo's son and kidding around is akin to breathing for him.

_Throw you underneath the bus if you understand_

She understands when he takes her prisoner for a second time.

He's hard pressed, with Snoke and Hux and basically the entire First Order coming down on him to _**find her,**_ for Force's sake. This time the interrogation happens before Snoke, and she's lucky to have him by her side since last night, because she doesn't know if she can survive those lightning bolts without him.

His face has no emotion written on it for the entirety of her detention, with only a flicker of hope and sadness in his smile as she flees the base, Poe Dameron's X-Wing dutifully waiting for her outside the Finaliser, shielded thanks to his inputs on blind spots only he has noticed.

She can't explain it to him and BB-8 why she's laughing, crying and abusing Kylo Ren for his stupidity at the same moment.

_We can get together if you think you know_

_Play nice_

He has his reasons for repeatedly calling her over to the Dark Side.

Not just because he wants to see her reach her full potential (although he knows fully well she'll do just as well with the Light), but because he wants her safe and sound. He's sick and tired of telling her why he can't leave.

He doesn't need to explain why he needs her by his side.

_Baby think twice_

She knows he still stands a chance at redemption.

Why he doesn't get it is the bane of her existence; she's frustrated with trying to drum it into his thick skull that the Resistance will take him back, maybe not with open arms, but they surely will. His mother will, _and I already have._ Still, he has to stick with the bad choices he has made, saying that he does it for her and for him, that she is safer this way, that this way, they cannot get to her.

She wishes then that he wasn't half as stubborn as General Organa.

_And I looked you in the eye_

He's ashamed.

He's ashamed that he cannot look her in the eye without showing how terrible a failure he is, how unlike his parents he can be, how he lacks the spine and the courage to do what he should, but isn't, doing. He's ashamed that he's let her down, that he couldn't live up to her expectations of him. She stops seeing him, and he feels more hurt and ashamed than ever, wondering if he can ever get her back. His thoughts often drift back to the traitor, and he wonders if he can muster that courage.

He wonders if he can ever look her in the eye again.

She cries and begs, but he doesn't listen, and she wonders if he really is too far gone for her to get back. _I can't think that,_ she tells herself with a stubborn shake of the head. There are days when their lightsaber duels are coupled with shouting matches, and she can remember every occasion when she has asked for him to come back, to stop being such a coward, each time meeting the red glow of his crossguard and a hurricane of emotions through their Force link.

"Stop being so weak, Ben Solo," she calls after him during one blizzard-filled battle, but he's decided to turn his back on her again, unable to look into her eyes from a decision they both know he is ashamed of.

She prays for the day where he buries his pride and shame and does what they both know is right.

_You know, this is the last time I  
_ _Am gonna put you back together_

She tries telling herself that every time.

He comes to her on the days he's battered and broken and his people couldn't care less, and she tells him every time that she can too, and this is the last time she's putting him back together while bandages and splints are tied and gashes are treated, but every following battle is bloodier than the previous, and she cannot watch him die, not if she can help it.

And since she can, she isn't ashamed to break that promise she makes to herself over and over again.

_Bail out? Baby you asked for it_

You don't desert of the First Order - it deserts you.

He remembers the words, clashing with her advice and his head swims with anger, frustration and conflict. He can leave this place - _I'm strong to take one anyone here,_ but her safety and the fact that Snoke might as well be listening into his monologue stops him. Bailing out?

As he runs, he remembers that he asked for this the moment he made his choice.

_And I looked you in the eye_

He expected anything but this from her.

As he runs across the dunes, Force and saber and blasters keeping Hux and his men at bay, he wonders how she will turn her back on him, how she will denounce him and leave him to the wolves. He senses her there, alone, and is disgusted by the glee that will radiate from the general if he finds out. _Both his targets, taken out in a single hit._

He stops short in front of her, his pursuers too far away to see them. She looks at him, reading his expression. All that escapes her are a few tears and a forceful nod, and he feels love, shame, gratitude and remorse wash over him in a torrent. Her saber is lit, a hand extended to him, eyes shining with fierce determination and love.

Despite the three blaster wounds and twelve cracked ribs, he's never felt stronger as he faces off with his former employers.

_You know this is the last time I  
_ _Am gonna put you back together_

It's all a blur to her.

She runs like a madman across the sand, dragging a now unconscious and steadily bleeding Ben. _Just a little longer,_ she implores while trying to find her way through the veil of tears blinding her. In the end, she settles on the Force to guide her. And guide well it does.

She can see the consternation and shock on everyone's faces as she runs into the base and pushes a dozen pilots out of her way, smearing their pristine uniforms with the blood coating her hands. Finn and Poe and Chewbacca are all around him at once, carrying him while she is led in a daze by Leia, her arms soothing and shaking at once, telling her to stop weeping but she can't, she just can't as she watches the life slowly drain out of him, his pained whispers of 'Rey' killing her every time she hears him, his Force clinging onto her like a drowning man.

For he is drowning, and she isn't sure she has pulled him out of the water completely unscathed.

_I'm gonna put you back together_

When he wakes up, all he can hear is crying and cursing.

He hears his mother sob like a trainwreck, running her hands over her "poor Ben" and how she is so proud of him, how she knew her son would come back to where he truly belongs. He can hear Poe Dameron curse freely, abusing him and his stupidity and his inability to trust Rey's friends. He sees her at the door, standing shocked and unresponsive. His mother takes the cue and vanishes with the pilot, and Rey walks in, with red-rimmed eyes and a shaking frame that he curses himself to be the cause of.

She takes a long look at him and then starts crying, punching every part that she can without causing him any long-term harm. He finds the sight hilarious and comforting, and soon he's crying and laughing with her, covering her small trembling figure huddled beside him with his arms.

It's his turn to put her back together, _and damn me if I don't do a good job at it_.


	7. Dungeons & Dragons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Two screenings of TLJ and I am filled with renewed fervor to write. This fic is alive and kicking again, folks!

_I could drag you from the ocean_  
_I could pull you from the fire_  
_And when you're standing in the shadows_  
_I could open up the sky_

He would do almost anything for her.

Rey was a kindred spirit, someone who somehow fit into all his jagged edges with the perfection of well-oiled gears. The Force Bond has given the two an added insight into the other’s personal world. Just their personal one, not the outsides; he couldn’t see her surroundings - just her. Ben accompanied her into the dark depths of that drafty mirror cave, stood by her and tasted the raindrops from her first rainfall, touched hands by the warmth of an Ahch-To fire.

She listened to him with an openness he couldn’t have asked for, took his side of the story with just as much weight as her master’s. For someone like that, Ben would part oceans if he could.

 

 _And I could give you my devotion_  
_Until the end of time_  
_And you will never be forgotten_  
_With me by your side_

In the throne room, he decides she’s the one.

Now that Snoke is gone, the First Order needs a new figurehead, and Kylo Ren will not stand aside and see that supercilious ginger general take a place that would rightfully be his. But Ben Solo wants to leave. Wants to leave all of this crap behind - the Jedi, the Sith, the Resistance, the First Order; all of it. All these old, rigid institutions that tried to shut people into single-toned boxes. Where black or white, good or bad and light or dark were the only thing you could be.

He knows he and Rey are so much more than that.

They are both Light and Dark (he grudgingly admits), both with Sith fire and Jedi calm in them, with compassion and rage. They are both abandoned, lonely souls who just need someone to love them. And he does - _I love her_.

So he decides that she’s the one he wants by side when he makes this galaxy a better place. Because now, she matters to both Ben Solo and Kylo Ren, the latter’s extended gloved hand proof of the fact.

 

 _I've got nothing left to live for, g_ _ot no reason yet to die_  
_But when I'm standing in the gallows,_ _I'll be staring at the sky_

When Snoke calls him in after Starkiller, he’s accepted his eventual death.

Kylo Ren was bested by an untrained desert rat. To add insult to injury, the offending weapon was his grandfather’s lightsaber, and there was no way in hell Snoke would let that slide. But his Master begrudges him one more chance, and he begins his assault on the Resistance with renewed fervour.

That fire lasts until he sees his mother.

The Force shows him deep brown eyes filled with regret and heartache and now, he cannot bring himself to kill her. Because no matter how big Kylo Ren’s persona gets, Ben Solo is still his mother’s child.

Kylo Ren laughs at him when a fellow TIE pilot blows up the _Raddus_ and his mother disappears from the Force, taking a part of her only child with her. And he laughs again, when Rey refuses to take his hand and spurns his offer, demanding Ben come home. And **_Ben_ ** dearly wants to. The small, scared child in him wants to jump at the chance and leave with her.

But Kylo Ren is a dragon with durasteel claws and an iron grip, and he won’t let Ben Solo ever go - no matter how hard Rey tries. So Ben lets Kylo Ren take the reins, letting him destroy what remains of the former.

Ben Solo doesn’t really have anyone to live for now, anyways.

 

 _When I'm standing in the fire, I will look him in the eye_  
_And I will let the devil know that I was brave enough to die_  
_And there's no hell that he can show me that’s deeper than my pride_  
_Cause I will never be forgotten, forever I'll fight_

And then she looks at him.

As he kneels on the mine floor, there is a familiar whoosh in his head, and the Force connects them, once again. She looks at him not with rage or disgust, but disappointment. Regret. She is looking at Ben Solo, and the dice in his hands say “your move”, because it is not her job to fix him, no matter how much he wants her to. Kylo Ren hisses and breathes his poison, but Ben is a Solo, and there are two things they are known for - bravado and pride. That same pride that led him into hell will now be his guide out of it.

So Ben turns to look at his dragon, and raises his saber - he is a Solo, and he is brave enough to die if it means that the dragon does.

 

 _And I don't need this life_  
_I just need_  
_Somebody to die for_

They are preparing for annihilation.

The last of the Resistance has been cornered on Akiva, and Hux has prepared the ships for one last assault to obliterate whatever remains of them. The Supreme Leader decides it is only fair that he lead the final assault, so he takes his ship and reaches the surface, the ragtag volunteer army putting up a brave face for what they believe is their end.

He approaches their front lines, Rey poised with her lightsaber aloft, a staff-like beacon of pure white. She takes a step forward, and he can see the traitor and Dameron protesting as she does so. She stops an arm’s length away from him and he extends his hand, deja vu washing over him. But this time, his hand is gloveless, and Kylo Ren screams in agony as she takes it, the two of them turning to face down what remains of the First Order, sabers raised.

Ben Solo may not have someone to live for, but he sure as hell has somebody to die for.


	8. Stockholm Syndrome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was just an old chapter I had forgotten to post, and I will be doing TLJ-centric and post-TLJ Reylo from now on, unless and until you have a specific request for Kylo Ren/Rey.

**Warning: This features Kylo Ren/Rey, not Rey/Ben Solo|Kylo Ren, so if you’re looking for post TLJ and TLJ-centric Reylo, this is not the chapter you’re looking for.  
**

* * *

 

 _Who’s that shadow holding me hostage?_  
_I’ve been here for days_

She first thinks of him as a shadow.

Silently flitting through the dark, a spectre she cannot see, whose presence is tangible but origins unknown. Bound in that chair, her feelings of panic and fear give way to curiosity as she senses him watch her intently - not like a prey, no, but something else.

It’s unsettling.

He rises and begins his taunts, and she doesn’t give purchase, she won’t - I’m no traitor. Not to people I so fiercely support. As he takes off his helmet, she reminds herself that appearances are deceptive, and that this innocent visage holds a manic creature behind it.

She finds the anger hard to keep up as he goes through the otherwise torturous routine with unprecedented tact. It is almost as if Kylo Ren has sunk into the shadows, giving way to a different being, someone who understands the meaning of gentleness. That opinion dissipates as he begins to probe into her mind, and she pushes against him with all her might, finally escaping from the monstrosity of a ship that holds her captive.

She may have escaped the confines of that room that day, but she’s still his hostage.

 

_Who’s this whisper telling me that I’m never gonna get away?_

She knows he means it.

As he escapes the base, she remembers the Knight’s words, and how he swore to never let her get away. She’s on the ship, relief, suspicion and fatigue all mixed to make a create a cocktail meant to make her sleep. Every night, before dreamland claims her, she hears dulcet tones whisper softly to hear, menacing and comforting at the same time. I’m coming, Rey. I’m coming for you.

Despite her better judgement, she prays he does.

 

_I know they’ll be coming to find me soon_

She knows just how bad the Order wants her.

She has been pursued and attacked by TIE fighters, the Knights of Ren and has even managed to clock a personal visit by General Hux himself, and has each time outdone them, but they are relentless. Particularly the leader of the infamous Knights.

She knows he’s watching her, and sometimes finds it hard to dismiss those rustlings in the dark as mere illusions. He’s out there, and he’s out there for me. What for, she isn’t sure of.

There are days when all she sees is bloodlust and rage and a burning desire to see her finished in his eyes, but there are those silent battles where he tests her defenses, taunting and goading and pushing. There are moments when she sees him beg mutely, his eyes beseeching her to listen to him for once, and she has seen this give way to a desire and want which has absolutely nothing to do with his allegiance.

She isn’t so sure about the First Order, but she knows that Kylo Ren will always find her.

 

 _But I fear I’m getting used to_  
_Being held by you_

She seeks sleep more often now.

The training sessions tire her out, but it is no different than the exertion she is used to on Jakku, with dreams nothing out of the ordinary. Of recent, her dreams interest her more than reality. The phantom draws her closer every sleeping hour, calling her and guiding her on a path she is sure leads to hell - she gets a taste of it one particularly tiring day, and, when disregarding the comfort of his arms and the sweetness in his touch and the raw desire and passion that flows through her, the vision is as much torture as burning fire and unimaginable agony.

With him there, she isn’t sure she’ll stop coming down that path.

 

_Oh, baby, you’ve got me tied down_

Help is an alien concept to Rey.

It is a scarce commodity on the planet she comes from, available only to the most desperate by the most compassionate. Else it is nonexistent, a sign of weakness in the harsh desert, and on Jakku, no one is desperate enough to appear that weak.

So when Poe offers her help regarding her nightmares and the unsettled look that clouds her face, a look whose source he suspects to be a certain black-haired man, she reflexively refuses, saying that it’s nothing, just fatigue and training getting to her. She knows Poe means well and cares for her in an older brotherly way, but there are some demons he cannot chase away.

Especially the demons she wants to keep.

 

_I’ll never leave if you keep holding me this way_

Tit for tat, she thinks.

Just like he refuses to leave her alone, Rey relentlessly pursues him when she gets the chance, chasing the man across Takodana, and in a bizarre twist of events, gets the Knight of Ren captive and hostage. Poe and Finn volunteer for the interrogation, promising to not disappoint her but she knows she wouldn’t want anyone but her to question him.

She paces across the room, waiting for the serum to wear off so that he can wake up. She’s contemplating using the same strategies on him when his quiet voices reaches across to her, breaking her reverie and reminding her of the male chained in that chair.

“Well, this is a refreshing change.”

He smiles at her, amused and… admiring? She wonders whether he truly is in his senses, or whether they have taken leave. She needles, taunts and goads him in the same manner, and he buckles slightly, or so it seems, for when she draws closer, she can see the mirth and that ardent desire burning in his eyes. It feels like she is under interrogation, and she is at a loss to discern exactly when the tables turned.

His gaze makes her feels like the hostage again.

 

 _Who’s this man that’s holding your hand_  
_And talking ‘bout your eyes?_

She doesn’t know the man standing before her.

With a mischievous smile on his face, drawing circles on her palm while he holds her close, she doesn’t know or understand the male standing in place of Kylo Ren. She’s questioning her sanity when she sees him tilt her chin up, pulling her closer and whispering sweet nothings, that seem so terribly misplaced in reality but perfectly plausible to her right now. She isn’t supposed to harbor any feelings for this man, yet here she is, relishing his breath and his touch and every word he utters, every thought that passes between them.

That therapy Finn was offering is much in need right now, she tells herself on waking.

 

_But my Stockholm syndrome is in this room_

Poe once asked her if she had Stockholm Syndrome.

Once she understands what the term means, she tries to use it as a justification to herself for all the emotions she wishes she isn’t feeling for Kylo Ren.

The thought comes back to her as she interrogates him, and she wonders whether how she could possibly form a bond of trauma with this duplicitous monster, but as she mockingly asks for his last wish and hears what it is, she wonders whether they’re both victims of it.  
After all, why would he want to kiss her before he forfeits himself?

In the hopes of chasing those nightmares away, she obliges him, and in the maelstrom that her thoughts and feelings have become, doesn’t realise that his hands have broken free of their restraints, pulling her as close as the restraint around his chest allows, his fingers tangling themselves in her hair, and she drinks him in for what she thinks is one last time, savouring the odd mixture of sweat, blood and the strange sweetness that taints his lips. She lets herself get intoxicated, letting that heady mixture of hormones flood her every cell and make her forget where she is and what she’s supposed to be doing.

She isn’t so sure it’s the Syndrome, or something else, when she lets him walk free after that.

 

 _All my life I’ve been on my own_  
_I use a light to guide me home_

Companionship has never been been her strong suit.

She’s used to being alone, and even though having friends is a refreshing-though hard to adjust to change, a consort for her thoughts isn’t. Having someone know exactly what she feels and thinks is dangerous enough, but having them reciprocate it scares her to her core. So at training, she tries harder than ever to close her mind, and even though Master Luke is impressed at the progress, his former Padawan’s voice is a constant reminder of her pitiful failure at blocking him.

It makes her want to go back to Jakku.

 

 _But now together we're alone_  
_And there's no other place I'd ever wanna go_

“It’s just us now.”

He looks at her beseechingly, begging her to end the feud between them by just accepting his offer, and never in a million years will I do that, she fiercely answers him as blue collides with red, the sparks illuminating brown eyes full of disappointment, anger and an emotion far more unsettling than the negative extremes she is attuned to.

She remembers his nightly offers, begging her to run away with him, to a place away from the fighting and the turmoil - she realises just how desperate he is when an unknown fighter lands on D’Qar in the dead of night, the black clad figure literally begging on his knees for her to run away with him, and, to be honest to herself, she’s just as tired with the conflict as he is. She almost agrees, but BB-8’s incessant chirping and Poe and Finn’s laughter outside her room reminds her of what she might be leaving behind.

She isn’t foolish enough to throw away all that for an illusion.

 

 _Oh, baby, look what you’ve done to me_  
_Oh, baby, look what you’ve done now_

Jedi training has never been harder.

With her mind too preoccupied with events long ago, she isn’t sure she’ll be able to achieve the peace that Master Luke so desperately wants her to attain.

“You’ll be free of him,” he tells her knowingly one night over dinner, and she wonders whether he has seen what she’s been pondering over. Her cheeks go pink, and she tries to vehemently banish that thought from her mind altogether, failing miserably as it consumes her in her sleep, filling her with want and desperation to see him.

She feels pathetic for hoping those dulcet tones will whisper her name again.

 

_Oh, baby, I’ll never leave if you keep holding me this way_

Night and day were never meant to mix.

She tells him that on one snowy visit, and he reminds her that even though they may be poles apart, dawn and dusk will always be there to hold them together, keeping them both captive for eternity, and as strange that analogy sounds to her, she cannot help but see how true it stands for them. He puts the offer on the table again, beckoning to the small gray craft that stands there waiting, ready to take them to worlds uncharted if she gives the word. She knows her choice to agree with him is entirely her own, and she is aware of the pitfalls of saying yes.

As he holds her close while they travel to a world she’s never heard of, Rey wonders if Poe was right.


	9. Whispers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter is based off lyrics from a well-loved song, Tears for Fears' "Shout". Hope you guys like it.

_In violent times  
You shouldn't have to sell your soul_

You can win wars without sacrificing integrity.

Rey _**knows**_ it - she knows it because she sees her friends, upstanding and passionate, fight for what they think is right without losing sight of it in the process. She sees General Organa toiling away at her station, poring over plans and attack strategies - a beacon of hope and the fire of the Rebellion, burning bright and shining her light through all of them.

 

_In black and white  
They really really ought to know_

War is hardly two-toned.

Take any aspect of it, Ben muses. Even the Light employs the tactics of the Dark to achieve its goal. And even the Dark needs the Light to pull it through their dark and dreary nights. And no side is above using a dirty trick, because they're all fighting towards the end - no one really cares about the means. Which is what makes Rey's naivete and stubborn belief in integrity so annoying because no, the former is a concept that died a long time ago. She will realise that eventually, but it will bring him no satisfaction when she does.

He wants to preserve her faith for as long as he can.

 

 _Those one track minds_  
_That took you for a working boy_  
_Kiss them goodbye_  
_You shouldn't have to jump for joy_

Scavenger. Junk trader. Nobody.

She is anything but the last.

Rey is a scavenger at heart - her skill at finding diamonds in the rough leaves him confounded, because she has found something salvageable in an utterly useless mess like him. She haggled and bargained her way into his heart, which clearly made her someone.

But her worth is far beyond his context.

She is a fierce warrior, a skilled duelist, and a leader - even if she doesn't believe she is any and either of that. She has the calm and wits of a strategist, the stamina of a fighter and compassion and open-mindedness of a true Jedi - and all of that stems from her and her alone. They are not qualities defined by someone else's perception of her - they _are_ her.

She is a fierce, beautiful beacon of light and hope, a true desert flower that doesn't need anything and anyone but itself to survive and thrive.

 

 _Shout, shout, let it all out_  
_These are the things I can do without_  
_Come on_  
_I'm talking to you, come on_

She's his conduit.

Rey knows his mind like her own now. The Force shows her his ongoing thoughts and state, but he shows her his true self. The terrors that plague his nights, the silver linings that keep him going - and there are far more dark clouds than there are silver linings to them.

She wants him to scream, to scream and scream until none of his anger and fears remain. She wants him to cry, to weep until Kylo Ren is dead and gone and all that is left is Ben Solo, exhausted and shuddering on the ground but Ben alone.

Because his pain is her poison, and it is eating her alive.

 

_They gave you life  
And in return you gave them hell_

What a selfish son, but what a selfless leader.

Rey is forever perplexed by his duality of persona, and it never ceases to amaze her that this spoiled brat, this pampered prince of a selfish son is the same man that is ready to destroy himself for a cause he doesn't even believe in anymore, solely because he is so far gone and doesn't want to disappoint anyone anymore.

He had a family, she angrily thinks to herself. A family that cared, cared enough to die if it meant it would save his soul.

"Do you think I wouldn't do the same?" He asks her, and of course she says no because if truly did care that much, he wouldn't have turned, wouldn't have done all that he has. "But you don't understand", he says again.

She sneers, mocking him to explain, please, explain how this death and destruction is somehow his way of saving his family.

 

_As cold as ice  
I hope we live to tell the tale_

"The end of this war is the only way to save my mother - to save anything and anyone she cares for." But that isn't good enough for her - no, not even close.

"If only you had joined me, Rey. We could have ended this war, then and there. The Resistance, the First Order, all would be disbanded. I would have established a new Republic, sent Hux to a place where he couldn't continue this." She scoffs, seeing how that ginger general is somehow still on the top of his list of priorities. "The Grey Jedi would have prevailed - a new Order, free from the stuffy rules of the Jedi and devoid of the Sith ways of violence and destruction. We could have finished what my grandfather started."

She tells that she wouldn't be part of a legacy of genocide and tyranny, thank you, and cuts their conversation.

 

 _And when you've taken down your guard_  
_If I could change your mind_  
_I'd really love to break your heart_  
_I'd really love to break your heart_

That doesn't stop him from trying.

Ben does his utmost to change her mind, tries to explain that Vader's legacy wasn't totalitarian rule to him. _Not anymore_ , if that is any consolation.

He tries and tries and tries, and one exhausting night, Rey lets him in, lets him deliver his spiel. He talks about Anakin's past, talks about how, in the end, all he wanted was to free each and every slave in the galaxy. He talks about it with regret, about how he fell in love - how something that was supposed to save him is what ended up destroying him. How fear of losing his love is what made him drain the life out of her.

Somewhere in the middle of all this, Rey isn't sure it's Anakin he's talking about anymore.

 

 _Shout, shout, let it all out_  
_(I'd really love to break your heart)_  
_These are the things I can do without_  
_(I'd really love to break your heart)_

It's his coronation, and it's tearing him apart.

There is an expectation he is supposed to live up to - Supreme Leader Ren is fearless, ruthless, and has no mercy for enemies of the First Order. Supreme Leader Ren is meant to carry on the mantle of Snoke, is meant to restore the Empire's ideals and Vader's legacy to the galaxy and beyond.

 _What even is Vader's legacy anymore_ , he bitterly thinks. There is an ideal he wishes to enforce - a rule of fairness and justice. A rule free of war, free of sides - but that's not what they want from him. All they want is a marquee to post their own cruelty and depravity on, a conduit for their worst behaviour, justified by this man and his crown.

And then there is Rey, and there are her expectations.

She knows he's too far gone to defect, but that doesn't stop her from goading him. On the day of his ascension, he sees her standing behind him in the mirror, a hand on his shoulder. She wants him to be brave, _oh so brave_ , he snaps at her, but she only shakes her head.

 _I want you to be free_ , she says, a calm smile on her face.

Coruscant is looking up to him, the rich with their smiles and their diamonds, the commoners with adoration and fear. The black and red banners flap around him, the sound lost in the roars of when they see him emerge on the balcony. Hux is smiling, Phasma standing behind him.

And behind them is Rey, leaning by a banner.

There is an idea in her head, an idea that screams danger, something that no person concerned with their safety would ever agree to. He can sense the Resistance fleet on standby, far enough from the sensors to be cloaked but not enough to hide their Force signatures, and the Force Bond Rey here nods. _Remember Anakin's legacy,_ her voice echoes in his head. _You will finish what he started_. And he will.

He will free all the slaves in the galaxy - starting with himself.


	10. Mirrors

**Author's suggestion: Listen to "Mirrors" by PVRIS as you read this. Trust me, it's a good experience.**

* * *

_White lights are too bright  
I just wanna see a trace or an outline_

He's desperate and he knows it.

Ben has been scrambling for a glimpse ever since Crait. He works too late into the night now, hoping that her figure will block the harsh glare of the artificial lighting in his room, that fingers will shut his eyelids as he collapses once again in a dreamless stupor. But none of that ever happen, and he wakes up from fitful sleeps and nightmares with no Rey to comfort him.

 

_Say your name into a mirror three times  
Said it three times, said it three times_

Little Ben tried this, and failed.

His mother used to say that saying someone's name three times in front of a mirror would bring them to you. He tried it all the time for his father - mostly, it never worked, but there were the odd few times when he would say his father's name three times in front of his mirror, and he would run up behind him, making the tiny boy squeal in delight as his father spun him around.

It's pathetic, he knows, but he catches himself saying her name in the mirror, in the vain hopes that for once, she too will catch him from behind, but if it didn't work for little, hopeful Ben, how does jaded, hopeless Ben expect it to work for him?

So when she does, Ben almost gets whiplash from turning to take her face in his hands.

 

_But when you float above my body  
I can see, I can see clearly straight through the ceiling, ceiling_

There are times she's sure he's watching her.

Like a guardian angel (or Devil, given how someone would perceive him), his Force form often tails her, and she's caught him more often than not watching her as she sleeps. She will wake up to get a drink of water and there he will be, a phantom floating beside her, eyes trained on her form, gossamer fingers combing through her hair. Sometimes he stays till the wee hours of the morning, and Rey would be lying if she said that she didn't like that.

"If you're so fond of watching me sleep, you should have joined me," she grouses one night as she gets to her feet, gulping down her glass of water as he watches, mute. A thought strikes her out of nowhere and she narrows her eyes at him, empty glass aloft in her hand. "Do you do this every night?"

The bags under his eyes are confirmation enough.

 

_Darling, don't be so shy  
I'll see you at midnight and when I close my eyes_

Just because he doesn't see her while he's awake doesn't mean he doesn't see her at all.

The tables flip when Ben wakes up one night and sees her by the foot of his bed, her face scrunched up in concern. "You had a nightmare," she points at the covers, twisted around his legs and trapping his feet. He eyes don't really meet his - the reason makes him smirk a little as he puts his tunic on while she fidgets with the deep grey sheets.

"Did you see what it was?" She shakes her head, and Ben debates whether he really should tell her and disturb her peace of mind, but she nods encouragingly, and he does anyways.

He wakes up the next morning feeling a lot better.

 

_You make my world spin, placebo feelings  
And in the morning I'll wait to see you again_

"Why are you here? Why still?"

He's injured - a blaster shot to his side again from a fight on an old Republic stronghold - and the pain does wonders for his insomnia, each turn making it harder to keep his eyes shut. As if on cue, she appears, her expression tired but understanding as she rubs circles across his palm as he struggles to slow his mind.

He has to ask her now - doesn't she still hate him? For what he did in the throne room, for how he repaid her kindness and acceptance? How does she not doubt his feelings? _Especially when I doubt their legitimacy myself_.

Rey scoots into his bed and presses her tiny body against his wound, and his heart skips a beat as ethereal arms wrap around his midsection, her lips pressing a chaste kiss into his bare torso. "You'll never know if you'll never sleep," she murmurs, and he puts an arm around her, killing the question along with the cacophony of voices in his head.

Her bright wake-up smile is her answer to each of those questions.

 

_Your dead eyes before mine_   
_The way they're missing their whites, yeah, they're just right_   
_I know you're dead inside but that's what I like_   
_Yeah, I like_

He's too damaged, he says. She calls bullshit on that.

So what if he's a man with demons in his head and a lifetime's worth of emotional baggage? So is everyone else, she says, and tells him to grow up. She hasn't spent all this time talking to the egotistical maniac that is Kylo Ren, or the shadowy Supreme Leader Ren.

She has invested her time and energy in a person named Ben Solo, and if Ben Solo has issues, that's okay. Because Ben Solo has the backbone and the moral fortitude to right his wrongs, and if he doesn't, then he's either underestimating himself or wasting her time.

Ben Solo has too much pride and fire in him to be labeled a failure, and his scandalised face and finger jabbing in her chest makes Rey smile.

 

_But when you float above my body, standing up right above me  
I don't feel so lonely, lonely_

By now, are long past the "why are you here?" phase.

All loathing and anger at each other has been tossed aside for whatever this feeble form of companionship is, and Rey allows to lose herself in his phantom embrace as she sleeps, the warmth of his body lulling her to comfort and safety.

Ben has always had trouble sleeping.

As a child, there were voices in his head, nagging and goading him, feeding him insecurities about himself and lies about his family, poisoning his mind against the people who sought to protect him. But now, even though that voice and its owner are gone, that poison still lingers in the corners of his mind. But now, he has Rey, and her haloed fingers chase the demons away as they stroke his face, her lips filling him with the antidote, purging the poison out of his veins.

 

_And in the morning I hope I see you by my side_   
_In the sunlight_   
_With my own eyes_

It's not enough.

These midnight embraces aren't enough for her anymore - she's tired of seeing him by her side and knowing that he's a system or two away, knowing that as long as this war is to last, this is all they will have to make do with.

She wants him to be _**here**_ \- here under the warm, bright Arkanis sun. The sun rarely ever shone on this planet - the natural state of being was a constant cloud cover and drizzle, a downpour on every alternate day. But today was one of those precious days in the week when the Arkanian sun shone - and oh, what brightness it shone with.

 

_And I go searching through reflections for your outline  
But it's just mine, but it's just mine_

He knew the mirror trick wouldn't last.

It has been a week since he's last seen her, and Ben has resorted to calling her name into his mirror, in the vain hope that this would restart what his previous attempt had begun. But Rey doesn't show, and his days pass in long work hours and hazy stupors again. Occasionally, he will look into a freshly shined mirror or a wall, and see her small form reflected in the heart of his looming one - his light, the stable kyber core to his ever ticking time bomb.

And then he'll blink, and just like that she'll disappear.

 

_I know you're dead inside_

She thought she made it clear.

It is not her job to fix him - she is not his panacea and he is not a failing droid that cannot diagnose and fix itself. But Ben's situation only seems to worsen - his voice is much more colder now, his eyes unsympathetic and more emotionless than she has ever seen, and it breaks something in her.

But if she relents now, there's no telling which way he will shift.

 

_But you make me feel alive_

He now understands why she's doing this.

Rey is her own person - she is a strong, compassionate woman who doesn't depend on him or anyone else to be her moral compass and tell her who she is to be. And if Ben Solo is to live, then he has to take a leaf out of the desert flower's book and follow her lead.

Let's see how long he survives in this desert of his own creation.

 

_Darling, don't be so shy_   
_I'll see you at midnight and when I close my eyes_   
_I said it three times, I said it three times_

It's always thrice.

"Why always thrice?" she asks him one night after the bond opens to him in front of a mirror again. Ben turns, face flushed and a little… sheepish?

"My mother said that if you say someone's name in front of a mirror thrice, they will come back to you." He retreats to his table, sliding the many papers on his desk into their respective folder, pulling a chair up for her. "Only if you mean it, though," he adds, looking down at his clasped hands before looking up at her, eyes hesitant.

It's a vulnerability Rey is alien to - in Jakku, this meant you were easy prey, and everyone in the Resistance is too busy fighting or fully living what they consider their last moments to look vulnerable - it's like they all wear masks of bravado. _And they criticise him for hiding behind one_.

So in moments when she's feeling particularly lonely, she looks into the mirror in her quarters and whispers his name thrice, taking care to mean it every time she does.

 

_You make my world spin, placebo feelings  
And in the morning I'll wait to see you again_

"Starkiller is primed and ready to go."

Hux has that sickly smile on his face that doesn't even slightly mask the distaste the man has for him. Given the chance, the General would gladly shoot a dozen blaster bolts into Ben's chest and he knows for sure that the ginger has been trying to bug his room but honestly, none of that matters anymore.

"I suppose you would like to watch the view from above, Supreme Leader." Ben gives him a curt nod laced with insolence - the usual - and beckons for the general to follow him to his craft. "Not without the man who made it possible," he replies, the bay door silently locking behind them as Ben offers the man a seat and a cup of bitter Tarine tea, laced with a Corellian spice Han Solo long stopped smuggling but his son knows just where to find.

When Hux wakes up, his hands are politely cuffed in front of him, feet cuffed in their crossed position as a belt secures him to the passenger seat of the raptor. "You said you idolised the Grand Moff, Armitage," Ben quietly comments from the pilot's seat. "Wilhuff Tarkin, much like you, was the man responsible for scheduling an Alderaanian princess' execution," he flashes him a quick smile. "But that didn't happen, because a Skywalker and a Solo were quick to intervene, much like me."

Ben tunes out the barrage of insults that follow to focus on getting them out of the asteroid field that would soon envelop them, Starkiller Base 2.0 now just a collection of projectiles in space.

 

_I'll wait to see you again_

It doesn't always work.

She has tried often out of sheer, childish hope, hope that this time when she says it three times, it will bring her his real self, not an apparition. Because she's sick and tired of touching hands that turn to nothing whenever the Force deems it to. She's sick and tired of going to sleep in the safety of his arms and waking up to a cold, empty bed and another long, arduous day of war. That when she says it this time, it would have meant just enough to bring him back.

And on the one sunny day that Arkanis has that week, the sky is darkened by a First Order craft requesting permission to land, and Rey has to yell over Poe to stop the Resistance from firing at the airborne vehicle.

The bay doors open to reveal a pissed-looking Supreme Leader dragging a struggling Hux, who is cursing freely at the taller man. Once the general is dealt with and Leia has held her prodigal son's face by hers, Ben turns to Rey, and she launches herself into his arms, burying her face in his hair as he holds on as if for dear life.

"It works."

He follows her breathless words with three kisses, each punctuated with her name.

"Of course it does."


End file.
